


memories & scars

by Lonelyirises



Category: Sterek - Fandom, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Derek Leaves Stiles, Derek is a Failwolf, Derek is a sweetheart, Derek-centric, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Graphic depiction of self harm, Heartache, Heavy Angst, Hurt Stiles, Internal Monologue, Lonely Derek, Lonely Stiles Stilinski, M/M, POV Stiles, Sad, Sadstuck, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stiles deserves a hug, Stiles-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, abandoned stiles, black clouds, but too hard on himself, misunderstood derek, no comfort, still sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-20 06:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3639915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonelyirises/pseuds/Lonelyirises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little did Stiles know...</p><p> </p><p>(Additional chapters added!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stile's Heart

What does it take for someone, anyone to just look up and talk to me? What does it take to make a conversation? Is it so bad? I know ADHD is pretty overwhelming for someone who is a stranger. But these people know me since kindergarten. Am I so bad that no one cares to even acknowledge my presence?

Apparently Stiles had been close to Derek but he suddenly decided to pack his bags and turn his back to Beacon Hills once and forever before Stiles had even realized his feelings towards him.

Everyone had been broken, lost or scarred. But everyone still had someone. Stiles always had Scott till sophomore year in high school. But now rising on the social ladder got him so many different people to be with, and lighten up the emotional bundle. Stiles on the other hand hadn’t risen up with him. He was left out.

He did have his moments. With Scott, with Malia, Lydia even. But it was nothing compared to how it was with Derek. They never dated. Like not even watched a movie together. But somehow Derek was the only real thing Stiles had felt in long time, first time after his mom’s death.

Stiles wished he could live those moments once again. The accidental coffee date with Derek because of the heat wave in California they had to escape into the air condition of the coffee shop and Stiles had ended put stealing the whipped cream over Derek’s coffee. It was so easy, natural even to be happy.

Or that one time when Derek took him up on a hike, which lead to a hillock that overlooked the river. The cliff was surrounded by water on three sides. Stiles was mesmerized. It was the first attempt that Derek had made to let Stiles in. to break the walls.

Or then the repeated visits that day had lead to the same spot where Stiles had lost his virginity to Derek. Those countless times Derek had looked into his eyes with a soft gaze of wonder.

Little did Stiles know that it was not going to last forever. That it was going to end so abruptly that even a little mention of Hale moistens his eyes. And all the while his “friends” were clueless. They were werewolves for fuck’s sake. They hadn’t noticed his closeness with Derek. or his heartbreak over him. Or they did and chose to ignore?

Stiles just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to give him a shoulder to cry upon. Someone to be silently there and listen to all the ramblings and nod at the right times. Someone to call him names and pretending to be exasperated with him but secretly loving him. Stiles just wanted Derek back.

But Derek chose something over him. And only left were memories. And scars.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry if it became too depressing. I am not a very miserable person, seriously. just bad days :( :(


	2. Derek's Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek's internal monologue.

It is hard. Everyone now thinks it is easy for me, habitual even, to go through tough times because of all the incredible losses I have suffered. But it hurts like a bitch every single time. Leaving Stiles was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. But I had to. He deserves so much. So much more than my broken beyond repair dark clouds of frowns.

 

I had to stop it before it got too real. Before he came close enough that, I could hurt him. Everything I touch crashes and… burns. We all know that too well. And Stiles doesn’t deserve burns. He deserves all the whipped cream over coffees, all the sprinkles over ice creams, all the innocent hugs, and love… he deserves love. Something I cannot give him, I am too beyond broken for such a pure emotion. Too fucked up to even think about ruining someone so beautiful.

 

Stiles is beyond beautiful. I hope someone one day makes him realize that. Someone someday makes him their world. I wish I could. I wish I could have told him that he was my world. But he is so inherently good, that he would have then tied himself to me forever. Letting go of all his hopes and dreams. Letting go of his life, just for me. Me, a giant fuck up that would have then consumed that pure soul in my baggage. Drowned him in my sorry excuse of a life. And that was not acceptable.

 

But it still hurts. It hurts to have left behind the love of my life. To leave behind all those easy hugs, those bright eyes, those beautiful smiles directed towards me. It hurts to have left behind that one person who genuinely gave two shits about you. And it will never stop hurting. Maybe this hurt might never get bearable to live with either.

 

The only solace is I was strong enough to have let go. To give him a chance at real love. With a good person who will, and can love him back. To not have him trapped into my life, my fucked up existence. I hope he laughs louder. I hope he smiles brighter. I hope he loves someone who wants him for all the right reasons. Someone who is willing to let go of their whipped cream, just to see his comical foamy moustache.

 

They say, if you love someone, you should let them go. I did just that. And I can live with that heartache if I know I’ll never be able to hurt him. I love you Sti… no Hale, you are not capable of it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I came back to this fic like a century later but I didn't want Derek to be misunderstood. I don't know if I wanna add more chapters (Suggestions welcome) but for now it is complete. 
> 
> Comments Kudos and constructive criticism is very very welcome! Love


	3. Silence for Stilinski

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain numbs pain. These razor thin lines of fresh blood near my elbow are the proof of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the rating has changed.... please note

(Stiles' internal monologue)

 

Pain numbs pain. These razor thin lines of fresh blood near my elbow are the proof of it. These lines have become my crutch, my support when everything becomes intolerable. I couldn’t have ever imagined myself going through these stifling periods of time without talking to anyone. Now it feels like blessing. Silence feels like blessing. Silence means no screams, no nightmares. It means no snide comments at school, no drunken babble of dad. It means no sirens, no alarms, and no emergencies. But silence also means silent goodbyes, silent betrayals, and silent tears.

 

I wish my coping mechanism wasn’t this messy. I tried to go the traditional way. Alcohol didn’t help. And having nobody to call, after being too drunk to drive was enough off putting as it is. Running till my lungs burnt also didn’t work. No matter how much I exerted myself to achieve a dreamless sleep, the nightmares never left. Hence the blood work. I have enough blood on my hands anyway for a few more drops to be a big deal.

 

No matter how many lines I draw today, I cannot erase his kaleidoscopic eyes from my thoughts. How could I have been so wrong? How could those kind eyes just look at me as a pass time? As someone to have sex with and no more? After everything we went through? After all those I-save-your-ass-then-you-save-mine moments? Did I imagine everything? Were all those milkshake mustaches wishful thinking?

 

A rational but very small shoved at the back of my head part of my brain registers that I am dangerously close to my wrist. But maybe that’s how it should end? Nobody to cry, nobody to hold back, no screams, no drama, just silence. Should I go for it?

 

Dad. Dad only has me. But does he? It’s been a month since he has acknowledged my presence. Maybe this is what he wants. Silence would be relieving right? Nobody to bother, nobody to blame.

 

Derek. He has moved on. He doesn’t love me back. There’s no need to cry more. It’s done. He left. Without saying anything. Maybe that’s how much he is ashamed of me. He finally realized what I have been telling him all those months. He can do so much better. So much better than good old me. Maybe I should do it. So he can finally not have any guilt. So he can finally be free. So everyone can finally be free. Yep. Silence it is. Silence for Stilinski.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very welcome!


	4. Severed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this feeling very well. I hate this feeling. This feeling of a pack bond stretching too far, ultimately to be severed off – wait. Pack bonds being severed off...

(Derek's internal monologue)

 

Something is not right. Something is seriously not right. Oh no…no. I know this feeling very well. I hate this feeling. This feeling of a pack bond stretching too far, ultimately to be severed off – _wait._ Pack bonds being severed off. Someone is hurt? To the point of death? SOMEONE IS HURT TO THE POINT OF DEATH.

Oh god. No. Not again please.

 

Get your head right Hale. Your pack needs you. The Alpha bond seems strong. What do I need? Car keys. Yes. So yeah, Scott is fine. Should I pack a small bag of clothes? Yeah I should. Beacon Hills has always gifted me with torn bloody t-shirts per visit. Who next? Isaac. He seems ok. Happy even. _They don’t know yet._ Fuckin bitten wolves. Always fighting their instincts. Okay, bag ready where is my jacket!

 

I hope there isn’t too much traffic. Fuck, whoever it is, it is getting worse. What is Scott doing!

 

 

 ***

 

 

 

C’mon, move it. Feel like honking his head off. Oh, thank god finally. So, Erica is fine. Boyd is too. Damn that’s means a whole lot of humans left. So much for wishful thinking. I have a feeling this monster of the week is going to be a pain in the ass to kill. _Sigh._

*** 

 

 

Stiles. Why do I feel like it is Stiles? Why the hell is Scott happy if Stiles is the one dying? Nothing is making any sense. He must have been cursed. Oh no. Everybody is still bloody oblivious. Hold on baby, hold on I am coming. I hope a cop doesn’t catch my less than subtle rule breaking.

 

The thread is almost breaking. Nobody is bloody picking up the phone. Stiles, baby I am coming for you. You wont be alone for long. I love you baby, I am coming. _Welcome to Beacon Hills._ Fucking finally.

 

 

 ***

 

 

Stiles is in his room. Oh thank god the Sherriff isn’t here. Good the window is open. Stiles is sleeping?

I smell blood. Oh god, he is injured. His hands are bloody. Only his hands are bloody, that’s starnge. Wait, only hand –Fuck slashed wrists.

 

911

 

yeah please fast. You need to be here-

 

is it too late-

 

oh god-

 

Shrerrff’s home-

 

Please, I beg you.

 

Stiles no, why Stiles why? Who hurt you so much that you gave up? So much that you couldn’t talk to Scott. Oh god. Ambulance is here. Good. I hope there’s time. Please don’t leave me. oh god. It is over –this is not the time Hale. I love you Stiles. I …

 

 

*** 

 

 

Please wake up. Please open your eyes. God you look so small. Why is the pack ignoring you? Nobody turned up to visit when I told Scott. That is so weird. You don’t even smell like Scott. Or any of them. Wait, you don’t even smell like your dad. _Loneliness._ You faintly smell like loneliness and tears. Oh god. They abandoned you. _I abandoned you._ I am so sorry. You cut yourself. For weeks. I am not leaving you alone.

 

Maybe until you find somebody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the claasic case of the story seems complete...
> 
> Wait - nope.
> 
> So hang in there... the last chapter is in making.


	5. The best feeling in the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP YELLING! I AM NOT YELL- ok I am but Derek-
> 
>  
> 
> (Stiles' internal monologue)

Oh, god this smells weird. Clean. Sterile. _Hospital._ And why exactly am I at the hospital? I remember blood. And pain. Oh the cutting. Oh no. Someone found out. I wanted this thing to end. Ugh, I need to open my eyes and face the music.

 

Am I dreaming? What are you doing here? I totally said it out loud. I embarrass myself even in my dreams, wow. You are real? Why are you crying? How can you be real? You left. You left without saying anything. You hate me. Why are you holding my hand! You are supposed to hate me. You are not real! What crazy shite are these people giving me?

 

Oh, nurse is here.

Relax? How do I relax?

What are you people giving me… i… hallucinating… Der…

 

***

 

Whoa, looks like I am still in the hospital. Ugh, this smell sucks. Oh, god it is difficult to open my eyes. My arm feels so scratchy. So, I am awake now. Such a weird dream I ended up dreaming about Derek, as usual. It felt different. Ooookay let’s try opening my eyes once again-

 

Oh god the lights are too bight. Damn it.

 

Derek?

 

He is sleeping. He is real. Oh my god. I didn’t dream about it. He is back! He is back. His back is going to hurt when he wakes up. That really doesn’t look comfy. Should I wake him? Will he eat me?

 

God my arm is itchy. Oh the tube. They are still putting stuff in me. What if I m still dreaming? Is he really real? Wait maybe if I touch him- just a light touch- oh shit.

 

Sorry I am sorry I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just checking if you are really here.

 

Huh? Oh that, umm I –

 

I- why do you care but? It is not like you don’t have a life of your-

 

What the hell are you saying?

 

WHO DEREK? WHO ELSE WILL LOVE ME? SCOTT AND OTHERS HAVEN'T TALKED TO ME IN WEEKS. NOBODY WANTS ME! NOT EVEN YOU...

 

THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE ME!

 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP YELLING! I AM NOT YELL- ok I am but Derek-

 

Derek, where is my dad? we haven't talked much lately.

 

He knows?

 

Oh

 

Guess it doesn’t work like the movies, does it? The prince charming saves the day and everything goes back to normal. I feel so-

 

Are you kidding me? No wait, you never joke. You _are_ serious. Are you sure though? You sure want me- hyperactive spaz, and ADHD poster child in your house 24x7? You sure you won't regret it? You promise you won't leave me alone again?

 

If I promise not to cut myself? Yeah, I'll try my best.

 

*** 

 

 

Oh man, this is the best feeling in the world. God this sweater is so soft. Will he kill me if I try to bury my face more in his chest?

 

 NO MY NOSE IS NOT COLD DEREK!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this monster finally ended.
> 
> Do tell me in the comments if all this "Writing only in thoughts" was worth it or you just ended up being confused af.


End file.
